cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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