After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
