the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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