I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
