My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
