if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
