You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
