he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
