I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can text with my tongue
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She told me I should be a condom model.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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