I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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