how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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