Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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