Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just googled if crying burns calories
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
