Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
