i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
