Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Randomize
