i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
