Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
