first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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