anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
