I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
