I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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