Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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