I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
