i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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