The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
