last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
