from now on my penis is your penis
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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