Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
