i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
