At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My balls are so social today.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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