____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
