So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
