My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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