She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
