I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
