you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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