Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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