if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
