You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
