its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
