so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
