There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
