don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
