i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
