my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
