if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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