I think I died a long time ago.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
