sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
