Where is the hickey?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
