My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
